andrewdoak

It’s college basketball time, so I find myself raiding the pantry looking for all things “snack” to munch on while I scream at the tv. You could say I’m a cracker man. We have boxes of Wheat Thins, buttery round ones, fancy butterfly ones, off-brand ones and my personal favorite the Saltine. Now, it wasn’t until I met my wife that I realized there were multiple kinds of saltines. It was a dark day indeed…

It was early in our relationship. I can’t remember which apartment we were in at the time (too many to keep track; we were nomads for a while). I was sick. Kara kindly asked if there was anything from the store I wanted to make me feel better. All I wanted was Chicken Noodle Soup, Ginger Ale and Saltines. She kindly came back and warmed up my soup, poured me a tall iced glass of ginger ale and brought me the box of saltines.

Andrew - “What the hell is this??
Kara - “You asked for saltines…”
Andrew - “These aren’t saltines!!!”
Kara - “What are you talking about, of course they are… see, S A L T I N E S”
Andrew - “…but these aren’t the saltines I grew up with, these aren’t PREMIUM Saltines!!!”
Kara - “You didn’t say PREMIUM…”
Andrew - “I’m not eating these…”

Now, obviously the story ends well because she still agreed to marry me after I was such a jerk. I think to spite me she drove back out and got me PREMIUM Saltines just to hold it over me (as she should). I’m particular about my crackers. She now knows there is only one saltine this household will keep, and that is Nabisco’s ORIGINAL PREMIUM Saltine Crackers!

Recently, Kara was ill with a stomach bug. I brought her (wait for it) ginger ale and (wait for it) Saltines to help settle her tummy. It was a brand new box. I opened a sleeve and saw something I haven’t seen in years… a dark golden brown edge down the stacked line. See, as much as I adore PREMIUM Saltines Nabisco has been shorting us on baking time. If you go by the box art, the crackers should be a near white color with a slight browning. I disagree. The perfect PREMIUM Saltine is that which is baked a dark brown, so you can clearly see the salt crystals gleaming back at you. I begrudgingly gave over the “perfect” cracker to my sick wife, but I polished off the rest of the sleeve in one sitting.

So Nabisco please take note, your perfect little crackers have better flavor, texture, salt compliment and crunch if you bake them longer then you typically do. UPC code on my “perfect” box is 4400000057. Find out where this box was produced, find the employee whose job it is to monitor cracker color and tell them “Thank You” from me. Also, give them a bonus. Tell them they have a fan. I might even keep this box so if one day the two of us meet I can get an autograph.

It really comes down to the simple staples. I’ve been cooking more lately (much to the joy of both my family and friends). Hand pulled chicken soft tacos from scratch, skillet fried lobster (imitation) in gobs of butter and celery to make lobster salad sandwiches, Asian slow-marinated pork shoulder with bok choy over rice are a few of the current highlights, but damn it, when I’m sick I need one thing and one thing only - PREMIUM Saltines. I grew up with it, I swear by it, and I’ve gotten both my wife and kids hooked on em.

Blame Saveur for this ridiculous food rant. Their current issue The Saveur 100 got me thinking about what I couldn’t live without. Number one on that list has to be UTZ, but a close number two is my beloved Saltines; PREMIUM Saltines.

One last thing Nabisco… now, I only offer suggestions because I love, but your packaging needs some real work. Four individual sleeves are perfect, but the white sealed sleeves are the major problem. You can’t open them without tearing all the way down, which sucks because now you can’t seal them… wait, even if you don’t tear the sleeve you STILL can’t seal them? Now, not to make myself out to be a huge pig, but I’ve been known to kill a sleeve in one sitting. For those times I don’t, when I go back to my beloved crackers they are ALWAYS stale. I had the same issue with Bacon; cutting the package open only to seal them how? Foil? ZipLock? Container? Back to the sleeves, they may be inexpensive and your packing machines are already in place, and a change might cost R&D investment, but come-on… I’ve been eating your product for over 30 years, and the sleeves haven’t changed much in that time. Get with it, provide us a way to keep your delicious Saltines as fresh as possible for longer than, oh, a WEEK!

With much love, Andrew